What Are We Missing?
For a long time, as an individual contributor, I genuinely believed managers had it easy.
They told people what to do.
They reviewed work.
They pointed out gaps.
And somehow, they always looked dissatisfied.
From where we stood, it felt like we were doing the real work, while they just passed comments.
That belief stayed with me for years — until I became a manager myself.
That’s when reality hit.
I couldn’t simply take the task back and do it the way I wanted. I had to get it done through someone else — using their thinking, their interpretation, their motivation. And suddenly, the job felt far more complex, far more frustrating, and far more consequential.
Looking back, I realised many of the things we routinely complain about as team members are not entirely wrong — but deeply misunderstood.
Here are five such misconceptions most of us carry.
1. “They don’t know the answer. They just ask us questions.”
The familiar exchange
Team member:
“What should I do here?”
Manager:
“What do you think would work?”
Inside our heads:
If you knew, you’d just tell me.
What we missed
Very often, that question is not avoidance — it’s intent.
The manager may already know the answer but wants us to think it through, weigh options, and own the outcome.
A useful lens to try
Before assuming ignorance, ask ourselves:
If I had to answer my own question, what would I say?
Then say that aloud. The conversation usually shifts immediately.
2. “No matter what we do, they’re never happy.”
The familiar situation
We deliver something on time. Or creatively. Or from scratch.
Manager response:
“Hm… okay. Let’s also look at…”
Inside our heads:
Nothing is ever enough.
What we missed
Work that stretches us is rarely given randomly. Challenging tasks are often assigned because someone believes we can handle them — not because they want to torture us.
A reframing that helps
Instead of asking “Why aren’t they pleased?”, try asking:
Why was this task hard in the first place — and why was it given to me?
That question alone changes the emotional tone.
3. “They only point out what’s wrong.”
The familiar moment
Manager:
“This part doesn’t work for me.”
Inside our heads:
Here we go again.
What we missed
Silence is easier than feedback.
Engagement — even critical engagement — means someone is invested in the quality of the output.
A small mental shift
When feedback stings, ask:
Is this about me — or about the standard they are trying to protect?
Most of the time, it’s the latter.
4. “Their feedback is so vague. What does ‘dot the i’s and cross the t’s’ even mean?”
The familiar exchange
Manager:
“Can you just tighten this up? Dot the i’s and cross the t’s.”
Inside our heads:
That’s not feedback. That’s frustration.
What we missed
Sometimes managers see gaps but expect us to help define them.
A practical move
Translate vague feedback into specific options:
- •••“Are you referring to accuracy?”
- •••“Is this about assumptions?”
- •••“Would examples or a legend help?”
Clarity usually emerges after the question.
5. “They never show satisfaction.”
The familiar pattern
We finish something significant.
The manager immediately moves on to the next task.
Inside our heads:
Not even a ‘good job’.
What we missed
Managers are often already thinking about the next dependency, risk, or decision. Completion doesn’t always come with celebration — sometimes it just comes with momentum.
A simple question that helps
Instead of waiting for appreciation, try asking:
What should I repeat next time? What should I do differently?
The answer often says more than praise would.
A Closing Thought
Most of what we complained about as team members wasn’t baseless — just incomplete.
When we move from assumption to curiosity, from reaction to interpretation, leadership begins to look less like indifference and more like a different kind of pressure.
And here’s the irony:
If more of us approached our managers this way, life as a manager — and as a team member — would become significantly easier.